RuPaul, our favourite legendary drag performer and all round super star, the former face of MAC Cosmetics, the TOP UK 40 (OK, #39) recording artist, shoe designer and confectionery connoisseur produces and hosts the best reality TV show in the world, RuPaul's Drag Race. (For those who don't know, it's basically America's Next Top Model for Drag Queens.) But, what would it look like on British shores, let's imagine for a second.
So, firstly there's no runway, as we don't say runway unless we're at Heathrow. It'd be a catwalk, which is helpful for puns related to pussy.
There'd be no Santino Rice, sad times, but maybe reality TV's favourite homosexual fashion designer would step into the role, i.e. Henry Holland?
There'd be no Michelle Visage, even sadder times, but maybe TV's favourite is-she-actually-a-man person would step into the role, i.e. Denise Welch.
There'd have to be a challenge relating to northern Drag's roots in Working Men's Clubs. Contestants would channel the likes of Foo Foo Lamarr and Lily Savage with piercing wit and shit loads of sequins in front of crowds of working class blokes who would probably be heckling them. Yes.
There'd always be someone from the Republic of Ireland that no one could understand, in the same way that there is always someone from Puerto Rico that no one can understand, in the US version.
There'd be a bearded lady, because London's East End likes a bearded lady.
There'd probably be less plastic surgery.
There'd be quite a few cocks-in-frocks, because tucking isn't as wide spread (lol) a phenomenon in the UK as it is in the US.
There'd almost certainly be less fish and more gender-fuck.
Must-see guest judges would include, Sharon Osborne, Mary Berry, Paul Hollywood, Simon Cowell, Alan Carr, Keith Lemon, Jane McDonald, Barbara "Rita from Corrie" Knox, Matthew Todd, Elton John, Barbara Windsor.
Whatever it looks like, it'd be unmissable. And to all the pessimists, if it fails majestically, we always have RuPaul.